As the conference date approached, our son started improving by leaps and bounds and was suddenly getting ready to go home. One week before the conference, his nurse approached us about taking him home. The conference didn't even come up in our minds; we were terrified about having to learn all the complicated tasks and duties we'd have to take over once we all went home. Three days before the conference started and one day before we went home, it came to me.
I turned to my wife and said, "Hey. Don't you have a two day conference coming up soon?"
She looked at me and thought for a few seconds. "Yup."
"Does that mean I'm gonna be home alone with the baby for a whole 48 hours with no prior experience of taking care of kids...ever, let alone a two-month old baby fresh out of the NICU?"
"Hmm..yup."
"Sounds great."
Then I excused myself and went to the bathroom and grew up really fast. I was no longer a mere mortal who hated kids. I was now "Super-omphalocele-dad" who could do anything.
We were released from the hospital the next day, and made our way home with about a million boxes full of supplies and heads crammed full of information.
Our son went home with an oxygen tube, a feeding tube, and a horrible device called an oximeter (which I will discuss in a later post) hooked up to him.
We got through the first night and first day with no incident, while I was trying to absorb as much information as I could to prepare for a whole 48 hours by myself with no outside help.
The next day, my wife packed up and left me.
It was just me and my son. Against the world.
Or so I thought.
THOSE 48 HOURS WERE THE MOST STRESSFUL 48 HOURS OF MY LIFE.
My son decided to turn against me. He took note of every possible worst case scenario that I prayed would never happen and made sure they happened.
He ripped out his feeding tube WHILE THE FEEDING MACHINE WAS RUNNING.
He made sure the oximeter beeped every 5 minutes, setting me into a frenzy because I THOUGHT HE WASN'T BREATHING.
He removed his breathing tube without me knowing WHICH IS WHY THE OXIMETER BEEPED EVERY 5 MINUTES.
He would wait until I'd run and take a 2 second bathroom break and VOMIT ALL OVER HIS CLOTHES, BLANKET, AND MY BED.
He would wait until I'd run and take a 2 second bathroom break and VOMIT ALL OVER HIS CLOTHES, BLANKET, AND MY BED.
He made sure to set off a pee fountain ALL OVER ME WHILE I WAS CHANGING HIS DIAPER.
He screamed his lungs out THE ENTIRE TIME I GAVE HIM A BATH.
DOES HE EVER NAP?!
I probably did not sleep the entire time because I was constantly waking up in a panic because I had these horrible recurring dreams that I accidentally dropped him and killed him.
Looking back, I can't help but chuckle. I was such a noob dad.
Now, 5 months later...feeding tube ripped out while the machine is running? No problem. Let me calmly click pause and slide that thing right back in.
The oximeter is beeping? Please. That means nothing to me now. The silence button is now my friend.
Breathing tube removed? That's ok. I'll pop it back in for you.
You vomited? Let me whip out my handy dandy wipe box and get you all cleaned up.
You vomited? Let me whip out my handy dandy wipe box and get you all cleaned up.
Pee fountain? Not today with my lightning quick diaper changing skills.
Bath of a million screams? I finally got him to take a bath last week with zero screaming. Possibly my proudest accomplishment as a father thus far.
Just give me a job in the NICU already. I know how to do everything now...
My wife and I fondly refer to those 48 hours as the "Ogden Nightmare".
When my wife got home from her blissful "vacation", I took one look at her and said, "Your turn." And I went to bed and took a well-deserved nap.
3 days later (I wish), I woke up and I was a completely new person. I had been cleansed by fire and I was reborn as a stay-at-home dad.
I'm writing this post while my son is napping. He'll be 8 months old tomorrow. Feeding tube is snugly in place while the feeding machine is running. He has no breathing tube now. He has no oximeter now. His diaper is clean (I think...), pee fountain free for 12 days now. He's down from 8-10 vomits a day to just 1 or 2. I gave him a bath this morning and I'm pretty sure I saw a teeny tiny smile that lasted a nanosecond. He probably won't admit it, but I saw what I saw.
Ever since those 48 hours, I feel like I can conquer the world.
Ever since those 48 hours, I feel like I can conquer the world.
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